I'm writing this post from a hospital bed, anxiously waiting to get out of this sterile room and home with my family. My heart gave us all a minor scare, but I'm happy to report that I will be okay with less stress, baby aspirin, and rest. As the doctor said, "your body can't fight anything if it's full of stress. That virus found where it needed to go, and wrapped itself around that heart of yours."
The poetic irony of me being admitted because of a sick heart on the anniversary weekend of my brother's death is not lost on me, believe me. This year is indescribable and I feel every minute of it was making sure everyone else was okay. In doing so, I ignored my own healing. The longer it was ignored, the larger the wound grew. Being consumed by stress and worry for everyone else left me no time to focus on my own healing. I'm taking this ironic infection and learning from it.
I'm letting go of expectations, things I cannot change, and the stress that made room for this virus to invade the chambers of my heart. I am demanding some serenity within my soul and it can only start with me. My heart has endured, indeed, but it has also survived hurt I never imagined.
However, this little warning my heart gave me is one I'm taking very seriously. This scared me. Being hooked up to so many machines, undergoing so many tests revealed only half of the problem. My diagnosis is only a part of the story, the other part cannot be seen in the Ultrasound or monitored on the EKG. The other part has no pill to take, it is up to me now to control my own healing.
We are not the best in our society of putting ourselves first. Family and work almost always comes first. Seeing the fear in my children's eyes yesterday when they came to visit me struck me to the core. I cannot put their healing first if I'm still broken inside. In no way will I ignore them, but rather, we will heal together side by side.
I cannot write this post without a sincere thank you to the amazingly caring humans we have in our circle. This year, although horrific, has shown us how lucky we are to have so many people that love us. There will never be adequate words to express our gratitude. We've felt every ounce of love and concern and they've embraced us with such ferocity and encouragement. A million thanks. May everyone enjoy this beautiful Sunday.